Personally, I like guys who are “torpe”. I find their inability to express their feelings and awkward gestures cute, sweet and sincere. They are far different from a more experienced guy who knows his way around women like a snake and poisons your hearing with a rehash of sweet nothings.

Believe me, I’ve met and seen both. If you would have me choose, I would side with the classic torpe.

Now the term torpe belongs to the many words compiled by the Urban Dictionary. This is how they explained torpe when relating to courtship: “Being too shy to pursue amorous desires.” Torpe is a Spanish word which could also mean “stupid”.

Now a lot of you women asked this: Why is a guy torpe? He likes you but he won’t make the damn move. You know it’s not athritis. Sure he bids his time but hey, you do not have all the time in the world and you’re aching to move on to the next guy knocking at your door.

Understanding the classic torpe guy could probably help him loosen his tongue. Here are the top four reasons why a guy is torpe. The answers were based on the replies of a hundred guys, torpes included, in a Filipino public forum.

Fear of rejection (41%)

Guys could stand the harsh conditions in Iraq but not the pain of rejection from the woman he likes. His personal pride is at stake when he opens up to you. It’s a do or die thing for him. If you say no, the pain can be equated to a thousand daggers literally stabbing him. Or maybe even worse than that.

Lack of confidence (40%)

There are many reasons that can result to a guy’s diminished confidence when facing the girl he likes. The popular excuses for lack of game plan are not enough experience in courting a girl, simply shy, lack of money and zero chances because he perceived himself as an all-time big fat wuss. Logically, why risk losing face when the torpe guy can slink away and root for her quietly without attracting trouble to his self-esteem?

She’s is one pretty bitch (9%)

Her cosmo looks, oozing sex appeal and steel-like demeanor make the torpe guy quake on his knees. She is successful, assertive and independent. She has a car, a rich dad and a platoon of servants at her bidding. What chances does the torpe guy have when their differences are so high and pronounced? He couldn’t even maintain his basic needs, what more of her unreachable standards? The torpe guy should be realistically grounded and find a more amiable mate.

He loves her (8%)

Can a torpe guy really love someone for real when he couldn’t even say “Hi. How’s the weather?” Guys claim that when they have spotted The One, things with them are not quite the same. When she smiles, his mind shuts down, he stutters with his greeting, his pulse beats fast he could actually collapse, and he loses control of his other senses that he comes in rather clumsy, like Mr. Bean.

To sum it up, the typical torpe guy is not really a bad kind of specie. He actually needs more time to prepare himself and get to know you more in a normal setting – as friends. He actually studies the girl he likes and checks if their lifestyles fit and their differences can be compromised. The torpe guy simply wants to be sure that you’re indeed the person for him and that you have actually convinced yourself to fall for him. It may sound lame, but it is an intelligent, deliberate and well-calculated move of sealing the victory in the end.

And by the time he’s ready, you’re over 35. Ha ha ha. Kidding.

Girls, I know this one sounds like the mother of all cliches. In fact, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to answer this one particular question that has baffled women for generations – how can you tell that a guy likes you? Of course, a guy would tell you that he likes you. But what if this particular guy happens to be a classic “torpe”? How can you tell that the guy five floors under you, who quakes on his knees every time you bump with him in the elevator, is not having a diarrhea but simply exuding signs of being smitten by you? Same answer. Torpe or not, he would tell you. It’s pretty much a matter of time.

Of course, if that brave declaration is not supported with concrete actions, you have all the reasons to push him off the elevator and your life. Just like what they say in the churches every Sunday: “Faith without works is dead.” A guy who does nothing to prove his intense liking for you is just out to flatter you. In other words, bolero.

I have just gathered the top 5 answers of both men and women online to give you a fairly accurate way of reading a guy’s mind. You might be interested to find that there are many tell-tale signs you may want to pay closer attention to next time you see the elevator guy. Sure he likes you. But mere liking is not just enough. Keep that in mind.

1. He spends time with you. (25%)

He likes to be around you all the time like a fly. If he is not physically present, like an OFW you met online, he spends dollars on telephone bills to make those long distance calls. He chats with you no matter what his timezone is. He simply cares.

2. He would tell you that he likes you. (24%)
Women were actually screaming this exact phrase in unison: “Do not assume (that a guy likes you).” In Bayani Fernando’s language, “Bawal tumawid. May namatay na dito.”. Not because a guy treats you well does not mean he is interested in you. If he does not say anything about his intentions, forget it. Those flowers he sent you meant nothing. In fact, it could be a move to spite the girl he likes who happens to be your best friend. Who knows?

3. He goes the extra mile to show that he cares. (22%)

To really have this count in your list, there should be some level of consistency on the guy’s part no matter how menial the task is. Does he walk you home most of the time? Does he drive you home from Makati all the way to Tanay? Does he make an effort to see you every once in awhile come hell or high water? Babysits your dog?

4. Sweet and thoughtful. (18%)

There are subtle ways that men do to show they care for someone. From lavish to simple gifts, everyday calls and text messages checking if you’ve taken your lunch and your anti-rabies shot, and listening to you vent tirelessly.

5. He tries to get your attention. (11%)

I think this part is reserved for guys who have the balls to introduce himself to the girl he likes and asks her out without batting an eyelid. Not really for the faint in heart. But if he does it, chances are he really is into you and is out there to prove his worth. Just see how far he’d go.

I woke up one cold night and found out I was already 34.

The scary part was this realization: I have like six more years before I reach 40.

My mind raced through the future and brought back with it a vague premonition of doom. If I wasn’t able to accomplish what I was set out to do in the past 10 years (I mean sealing the forever deal with a boyfriend), what chances do I have now with a six-year deadline?

I felt the clock had completely betrayed me. It became imminently clear. There was a conspiracy the universe was not telling me.

So I sneaked out to the fridge in the middle of the night and got myself a slice of this Parisian cheese bread. I opened my laptop and started doing an inventory of things I probably did WRONG until I was 33. Below is a list that begins with letter “I”:

- I dressed up like a dork for many years. Because I thought it was cool to look like Girl, Interrupted. (The Winona Ryder part.)

- I always cut my hair short because I consider combing the hair every freaking hour of the day a disease.

- I spent a lot of time working my way and down the corporate ladder. Weekends included. It made me feel powerful. Like Hillary Clinton.

- I sacked guys who usually had an intense liking for me. Because I thought they were retards.

- I didn’t give second chances to guys I had dated. Like the dentist I brought to a funeral parlor.

- I thought keeping yourself beautiful was mere vanity. It was only 5 years ago when I was introduced to spas and facials. Last year, hair rebonding.

- I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” when I was 26 and lived it out to the dot like a monk. Thou shall not date. If you date, bring your friends. Nothing wrong with this when you’re 12.

- I talked a lot about politics, religion, gossip, work, women’s rights and HTML during dates. I was once labelled a feminist and an activist by this guy I call “Creep”.

- I had unrealistic expectations and irrational views about men. Men are supposed to be strong and act like natural-born leaders. But we do know that it isn’t always the case, right?

- I didn’t know what I really wanted.

There goes my list of dirty laundry (a.k.a. wrong mindsets). It took me, what, 34 years to figure these out?

Holy cow.