How about trying it on a guy you have a crush on? See if the intensity would still be the same. And if love really never dies.

Believe me, I’ve met and seen both. If you would have me choose, I would side with the classic torpe.

Now the term torpe belongs to the many words compiled by the Urban Dictionary. This is how they explained torpe when relating to courtship: “Being too shy to pursue amorous desires.” Torpe is a Spanish word which could also mean “stupid”.

Now a lot of you women asked this: Why is a guy torpe? He likes you but he won’t make the damn move. You know it’s not athritis. Sure he bids his time but hey, you do not have all the time in the world and you’re aching to move on to the next guy knocking at your door.

Understanding the classic torpe guy could probably help him loosen his tongue. Here are the top four reasons why a guy is torpe. The answers were based on the replies of a hundred guys, torpes included, in a Filipino public forum.

Fear of rejection (41%)

Guys could stand the harsh conditions in Iraq but not the pain of rejection from the woman he likes. His personal pride is at stake when he opens up to you. It’s a do or die thing for him. If you say no, the pain can be equated to a thousand daggers literally stabbing him. Or maybe even worse than that.

Lack of confidence (40%)

There are many reasons that can result to a guy’s diminished confidence when facing the girl he likes. The popular excuses for lack of game plan are not enough experience in courting a girl, simply shy, lack of money and zero chances because he perceived himself as an all-time big fat wuss. Logically, why risk losing face when the torpe guy can slink away and root for her quietly without attracting trouble to his self-esteem?

She’s is one pretty bitch (9%)

Her cosmo looks, oozing sex appeal and steel-like demeanor make the torpe guy quake on his knees. She is successful, assertive and independent. She has a car, a rich dad and a platoon of servants at her bidding. What chances does the torpe guy have when their differences are so high and pronounced? He couldn’t even maintain his basic needs, what more of her unreachable standards? The torpe guy should be realistically grounded and find a more amiable mate.

He loves her (8%)

Can a torpe guy really love someone for real when he couldn’t even say “Hi. How’s the weather?” Guys claim that when they have spotted The One, things with them are not quite the same. When she smiles, his mind shuts down, he stutters with his greeting, his pulse beats fast he could actually collapse, and he loses control of his other senses that he comes in rather clumsy, like Mr. Bean.

To sum it up, the typical torpe guy is not really a bad kind of specie. He actually needs more time to prepare himself and get to know you more in a normal setting – as friends. He actually studies the girl he likes and checks if their lifestyles fit and their differences can be compromised. The torpe guy simply wants to be sure that you’re indeed the person for him and that you have actually convinced yourself to fall for him. It may sound lame, but it is an intelligent, deliberate and well-calculated move of sealing the victory in the end.

And by the time he’s ready, you’re over 35. Ha ha ha. Kidding.

Of course, if that brave declaration is not supported with concrete actions, you have all the reasons to push him off the elevator and your life. Just like what they say in the churches every Sunday: “Faith without works is dead.” A guy who does nothing to prove his intense liking for you is just out to flatter you. In other words, bolero.

I have just gathered the top 5 answers of both men and women online to give you a fairly accurate way of reading a guy’s mind. You might be interested to find that there are many tell-tale signs you may want to pay closer attention to next time you see the elevator guy. Sure he likes you. But mere liking is not just enough. Keep that in mind.

1. He spends time with you. (25%)

He likes to be around you all the time like a fly. If he is not physically present, like an OFW you met online, he spends dollars on telephone bills to make those long distance calls. He chats with you no matter what his timezone is. He simply cares.

2. He would tell you that he likes you. (24%)
Women were actually screaming this exact phrase in unison: “Do not assume (that a guy likes you).” In Bayani Fernando’s language, “Bawal tumawid. May namatay na dito.”. Not because a guy treats you well does not mean he is interested in you. If he does not say anything about his intentions, forget it. Those flowers he sent you meant nothing. In fact, it could be a move to spite the girl he likes who happens to be your best friend. Who knows?

3. He goes the extra mile to show that he cares. (22%)

To really have this count in your list, there should be some level of consistency on the guy’s part no matter how menial the task is. Does he walk you home most of the time? Does he drive you home from Makati all the way to Tanay? Does he make an effort to see you every once in awhile come hell or high water? Babysits your dog?

4. Sweet and thoughtful. (18%)

There are subtle ways that men do to show they care for someone. From lavish to simple gifts, everyday calls and text messages checking if you’ve taken your lunch and your anti-rabies shot, and listening to you vent tirelessly.

5. He tries to get your attention. (11%)

I think this part is reserved for guys who have the balls to introduce himself to the girl he likes and asks her out without batting an eyelid. Not really for the faint in heart. But if he does it, chances are he really is into you and is out there to prove his worth. Just see how far he’d go.

This was how they explained me:

ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY

You have a great deal of energy and vitality. You are curious, creative and resilient. You have many interests; and you find pleasure in doing and thinking about all sorts of things.

You tend to be optimistic, seeing the world as a place of adventure– physical, intellectual or both. You seek first-hand experiences. And when you embark on a project or expedition, you like to be organized, thorough and responsible.

You enjoy the pleasures of the senses, yet you are firmly grounded in reality and live in the here and now. You can be charming and charismatic; and you sometimes like to surprise those you love with generous presents.

You also have a clear moral compass and stand up for your beliefs. And in spite of your flexibility and enjoyment of novelty, you have a genuine respect for home, family, work and community. You are conscientious, dependable, cooperative and protective.

IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP

You are attracted to people who will explore ideas, philosophies, cities and/or the natural world with you. You like spontaneous, curious risk-takers like yourself. And you want a partner who shares your live-and-let-live attitude. But you also need someone who is eager to help you build strong family and community ties. You are interested in sex (Well who isn’t? – Mudraka); sexual compatibility is an important part of your primary relationship. Although you like to spend your money, you admire frugal people and believe in saving-except when an appropriate adventure comes along. And you seek a partner who is pragmatic, who shares your view of duty and tradition and whom you regard as moral and cooperative. Yet he or she has to have your level of energy and curiosity too.

I think the results came in pretty accurate. By the way, it’s a matchmaking website so there’s actually a fee if you want to fish for guys there. I didn’t subscribe. I’m not interested in guys six to 24 hours ahead my timezone.

What are your results?

For the past 6-7 months, I nurtured this idea of him as a person who does not respect other people’s time. Managing to squeeze you in his tight calendar is his way of making you feel privileged, because, yeah, he’s one hot busy guy. So imagine my rage when he actually decided not to show up on our first date without properly informing me. Oh, he did. He texted a friend in Saudi, then Saudi friend texted my girl friend, and my girl friend had to relay the bad news to me. I was in the middle of the traffic jam already on my way to that resto…The jerk did not even bother to save my number.

I almost cursed that day and wished the earth would open up and swallow him in. Because if I ever see him, even just a strand of his hair, I’d be delighted to nuke him right where he stands. So he’d better not send a word, call or text because I would be spitting fire at him to my heart’s content.

I was angry. Really angry. I think he felt the tremor so he sort off disappeared from my radar.

But, as usual, time heals all wounds, and it makes you forget all those little sins. Sensing the storm was over, he made his presence felt a month ago. And because I don’t normally harbor any ill-feelings that long, I started becoming civil and managed to joke about his last year’s no-show. He seemed to be a nice guy, just like what his best friend told me. Looks like we’re bound to get along well after a pretty rocky start.

Who knows.

Bustard.

The scary part was this realization: I have like six more years before I reach 40.

My mind raced through the future and brought back with it a vague premonition of doom. If I wasn’t able to accomplish what I was set out to do in the past 10 years (I mean sealing the forever deal with a boyfriend), what chances do I have now with a six-year deadline?

I felt the clock had completely betrayed me. It became imminently clear. There was a conspiracy the universe was not telling me.

So I sneaked out to the fridge in the middle of the night and got myself a slice of this Parisian cheese bread. I opened my laptop and started doing an inventory of things I probably did WRONG until I was 33. Below is a list that begins with letter “I”:

- I dressed up like a dork for many years. Because I thought it was cool to look like Girl, Interrupted. (The Winona Ryder part.)

- I always cut my hair short because I consider combing the hair every freaking hour of the day a disease.

- I spent a lot of time working my way and down the corporate ladder. Weekends included. It made me feel powerful. Like Hillary Clinton.

- I sacked guys who usually had an intense liking for me. Because I thought they were retards.

- I didn’t give second chances to guys I had dated. Like the dentist I brought to a funeral parlor.

- I thought keeping yourself beautiful was mere vanity. It was only 5 years ago when I was introduced to spas and facials. Last year, hair rebonding.

- I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” when I was 26 and lived it out to the dot like a monk. Thou shall not date. If you date, bring your friends. Nothing wrong with this when you’re 12.

- I talked a lot about politics, religion, gossip, work, women’s rights and HTML during dates. I was once labelled a feminist and an activist by this guy I call “Creep”.

- I had unrealistic expectations and irrational views about men. Men are supposed to be strong and act like natural-born leaders. But we do know that it isn’t always the case, right?

- I didn’t know what I really wanted.

There goes my list of dirty laundry (a.k.a. wrong mindsets). It took me, what, 34 years to figure these out?

Holy cow.

Bloody good.

All I heard was the sound of the car stereo playing “Victims of Love” with its ear-piercing chorus. There were so many songs available in the entire pop music history I wondered why the jocks couldn’t choose a more suitable one to play. This was not the first time I heard that particular song play in Bloody’s stereo.

Maybe the song had a personal message had I only listened carefully instead of exchanging glances with Bloody behind the steering wheel.

This was the second Joyride. And the topic was Puppy. I never saw Bloody this excited over something that stoked his ego. It made him feel superior above all God’s creatures, including the squid. Nothing beats the thrill a man gets from squashing an opponent in a race to a woman’s heart. In Bloody’s case, he did not even have to lift a finger. It was I who sent Puppy off the ring already peeing in his pants.

Of course, Bloody wouldn’t dare mention his latest victory. He knew I easily get turned off by sheer arrogance. So he played it safe in a kind of reverse way. You know, like why not pick Puppy over him. He’s handsome, single and about to get rich. He seemed serious about making babies with me while he, Bloody, was already a very complicated family man with a string of girls willing to be knocked up anytime. He might even have AIDS. I belong to a different caste, he said. Like The Chastity Belt Club. It made him feel unworthy. I didn’t know that his testosterone had reached the pious level already.

Woot! Woot!

But the mere thought of me dying a virgin distressed him. I might catch ovarian cancer, cervix cancer and all types of weird diseases attributed to unused reproductive system. But he swore on other people’s grave not to hold my hand either. The electricity the contact generates could mess up his brains and send alerts to launch that “baby arm” down there. So he made us a deal. Just in case I changed my mind about the postponed trip to The Flower Farm, he would gladly oblige me with a tour.

I punched his six-pack abs and the devil laughed.

Woof! Woof!

“You do not have the monopoly of girls in the planet.” I thought. “Because you can never have me. And I can have good-looking dates as well.”

Well said. But things were a lot more different in reality. The moment our eyes locked, my face was flushed crimson red and my knees started to wobble. I was no less than a meter away from the walking Kryptonite.

“Hi.” Bloody’s eyes were smiling under that brown cap. He came along smooth, so sure of himself, and my world stood still. This was the kind of guy who did not need some rescuing. And he could certainly ruin a date.

Somehow Puppy noticed the sparks flying above my head as Bloody quietly made his exit to the terminal. He sensed competition.

“Do you know that guy?” His brows wrinkled.

“Um. Yes. He’s a friend.”

“Really?” Puppy had crossed the line reserved for my dead father and future husband.

“Wait. Am I not allowed to have friends now?” I growled.

Puppy wiggled his tail in agreement, which was actually a bad sign. I didn’t like guys who do not have the balls to stand up for what they believe. Guys who severely lacked identity. I completely lost my appetite and felt sorry for Puppy. I knew it wasn’t his fault. But I was born with certain preferences. I wasn’t even normal to begin with.

I bade Puppy goodbye when we reached the mall’s exit. He still acted like a true gentleman no matter how embarrassing the night was for him. I wished him well on his trip back to the Middle East and lots of good luck in finding his daughter in Macau. Puppy was like a brother to me.

I reached the terminal and saw Bloody standing beside his blue-violet van with a lighted cigarette in between his fingers. He waved at me and smiled. He knew he had just won.

Like a good student, I put this awesome insight to a test. So I tried out a different venue to fish for guys without getting bitten. I spent a couple of nights lurking inside Yahoo! Chat sporting a cool handle called “Dancing Red Shoes”.

You complete me.

There I met “Puppy” – a thirty something guy who looked perfect from all camera angles. With eyeglasses on, he was like Super Boy.

Since he was in town for vacation, I agreed to meet him up in Podium on the basis of pure good looks. Puppy did not disappoint. He looked like a Makati executive with sleeves up his elbows. From time to time, he would check on his Blackberry or flip a pack of Dunhill with his other hand. I could tell the guy was either nervous….or bored at his wits.

While having dinner, he threw in those usual questions – and general assumptions – that pertain to my celibate life. They no longer shock me. I have been comfortable living in my own skin and knowing the fact that I really don’t know how to attract the proper guy for me. I was no longer surprised when Puppy confessed that he had a wife who left him to marry a rich man, and whisked his daughter away to Macau.

I told you. Why I seem to attract these men bearing these tales of bad marriages, I have no idea.

To sum up Puppy’s sad story, he just came home to exact vengeance on his in-laws who consented to the affair and show the world that he is no weenie. So he took my hand and asked me to be his girlfriend. I burst out laughing.

“I think what you really need right now is a lawyer. I’ve got friends.” I immediately withdrew my hand and dug deep into my pockets. “Let’s go home.”

As usual, I was at the end of the snake line waiting for my turn to get inside one of those commuter vans. My idle mind was completely absorbed by the Tolkien book about Numeronean wars while I kept a watchful eye on the arrival of the blue Bloody van. He’d be back in thirty minutes, I said to myself. By sheer estimation, I was more likely to catch the ride with him without putting up another excuse to wait for him. I did almost every lame excuse one could ever imagine from placing another call to an officemate to lurking inside the pet grooming shop. Sometimes, when imagination had gone dry, I simply let other commuters to go ahead and wait for him to arrive. But at this particular night, everything was just near perfect and it was zero effort on my part.

He is mine. MINE!!!

I saw The Wife come out of the crowd to get the boys and nailed them down to the bench. She was this doting mom who wiped the kids’ sweaty faces and put towels on their backs. That particular sight washed away my excitement to see Bloody again as I stood in the middle of the tired crowd frozen on my feet. I felt guilt surface and accuse me of trying to steal away their dad. How in the universe will I be able to do such wicked thing to a family who depended so much on him? While Bloody collected women since youth, he never really did abandon his family.

There in the middle of one rainy night I received my answers.