I woke up one cold night and found out I was already 34.

The scary part was this realization: I have like six more years before I reach 40.

My mind raced through the future and brought back with it a vague premonition of doom. If I wasn’t able to accomplish what I was set out to do in the past 10 years (I mean sealing the forever deal with a boyfriend), what chances do I have now with a six-year deadline?

I felt the clock had completely betrayed me. It became imminently clear. There was a conspiracy the universe was not telling me.

So I sneaked out to the fridge in the middle of the night and got myself a slice of this Parisian cheese bread. I opened my laptop and started doing an inventory of things I probably did WRONG until I was 33. Below is a list that begins with letter “I”:

- I dressed up like a dork for many years. Because I thought it was cool to look like Girl, Interrupted. (The Winona Ryder part.)

- I always cut my hair short because I consider combing the hair every freaking hour of the day a disease.

- I spent a lot of time working my way and down the corporate ladder. Weekends included. It made me feel powerful. Like Hillary Clinton.

- I sacked guys who usually had an intense liking for me. Because I thought they were retards.

- I didn’t give second chances to guys I had dated. Like the dentist I brought to a funeral parlor.

- I thought keeping yourself beautiful was mere vanity. It was only 5 years ago when I was introduced to spas and facials. Last year, hair rebonding.

- I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” when I was 26 and lived it out to the dot like a monk. Thou shall not date. If you date, bring your friends. Nothing wrong with this when you’re 12.

- I talked a lot about politics, religion, gossip, work, women’s rights and HTML during dates. I was once labelled a feminist and an activist by this guy I call “Creep”.

- I had unrealistic expectations and irrational views about men. Men are supposed to be strong and act like natural-born leaders. But we do know that it isn’t always the case, right?

- I didn’t know what I really wanted.

There goes my list of dirty laundry (a.k.a. wrong mindsets). It took me, what, 34 years to figure these out?

Holy cow.